I was following this trend on Twitter – #FiveWordTechHorrors – and realised it seemed familiar. Then I remembered that one job. You know the one, a new client is having problems and pulls you in as a consultant to help them make the deadline. This is your first day…
Perhaps you remember a similar conversation in the office?
If any of the following make you feel cold a moment, we feel your pain. Back away from the phone and systems and take a coffee break! I shuffled the post order to make it better ;)
@jbirley
We need a project manager
@BenNunney
I let management have input
@joshuafennessy
Hi. I’m your consultant today
@jarodm5
Lets go with whatever’s cheapest
@timantz
Hi. I’m the lowest bidder.
@packetu 1m
That’s why I hired you
…
@drjmetz
The last guy didn’t document
@hyperdeath128k
Million lines of COBOL. Uncommented.
Storagezilla
Person who scripted that left
@dcbyron
It’s being rewritten in PHP
@JohnMiner3
my code is self documenting
@OscartheOrange
why would anyone do that?
@CausalDensity
We’ve always coded this way.
@jasonbock
Writing tests takes too long
…
@melvinwalker
There’s no time for testing
@goaliegirl
Wait, just one more thing!
@jbirley
We’ll test performance in Production
@devopstom
How hard can it be?
@timburks
just one more small change
@sithanas
We promoted that to production
…
@vmiss33
let the sales guy demo
@mthiele10
Do they know which cable
@ccie11293
I didn’t think about that
@BlueShiftBlog
Is the green wire important?
@l33tLumberjack
Don’t Worry. It’s not live
@37point2
Trust me, it will work
@jermhudson 47s
There is smoke coming out
@mariobrumii
I don’t smell any smoke
@mwolpin
Is that supposed to happen?
@goaliegirl
No, that isn’t a feature
@SupSvcMI 45s
Well, Never Seen THAT Before
@kevdog
If only you had listened.
…
@beefarino
Okay, who broke the build?
@goaliegirl
Can’t you just fix it?
@vWilmo
Cutting budgets, make it work
@GunsnCoasters
My son knows web design
@joeldrans
I didn’t touch that code
â€@vmiss33
Is it supposed to do that?
@jonisick
Not sure, but it’s working.
…
@mdroush
This Nigerian guy e-mailed me!
@DevNambi
So, I opened this attachment…
@gallifreyan
What’s the worst that could….
@jfranconi
It started to act weird
@DevNambi
We stop SQL injection, right?
…
â€@chasker
I think it’s backed up
@mdecuir
Why are the backups failing?
â€@SomeClown
The Internet must be down
@BrentO
You took a backup, right?
@DevNambi
I thought *you* took backups
@wcpreston
My backups didn’t work yesterday
@BlueShiftBlog
“Wait, snapshots are not backups?”
@cswaters1
You haven’t tested your backups?
â€@Bwya77
Your backups have been corrupted
@billdriver
Meeting for 4PM on Friday.
@erictomb
We’re outsourcing your department, sorry.
…
@johnsonch 1m
if it compiles, ship it
@pborenstein
We’ll fix it with documentation.
@k00laidIT
We only have one copy
â€@GlassDiva1
Let’s get marketing on it
@CurtMonash
Let me show some slides.
@jdferries
dont you have any feelings?
@MorganCavalier
We’ll get customer input later
@hattz
Bug? No, it’s a feature.
@pr1ntf
Uhoh, the users have pitchforks
