Twitter : Five Word Tech Horrors

I was following this trend on Twitter – #FiveWordTechHorrors – and realised it seemed familiar. Then I remembered that one job. You know the one, a new client is having problems and pulls you in as a consultant to help them make the deadline. This is your first day…

Perhaps you remember a similar conversation in the office?

If any of the following make you feel cold a moment, we feel your pain. Back away from the phone and systems and take a coffee break! I shuffled the post order to make it better ;)

We need a project manager

I let management have input

Hi. I’m your consultant today

Lets go with whatever’s cheapest

Hi. I’m the lowest bidder.

@packetu 1m
That’s why I hired you

The last guy didn’t document

Million lines of COBOL. Uncommented.

Person who scripted that left

It’s being rewritten in PHP

my code is self documenting

why would anyone do that?

We’ve always coded this way.

Writing tests takes too long

There’s no time for testing

Wait, just one more thing!

We’ll test performance in Production

How hard can it be?

just one more small change

We promoted that to production

let the sales guy demo

Do they know which cable

I didn’t think about that

Is the green wire important?

Don’t Worry. It’s not live

Trust me, it will work

@jermhudson 47s
There is smoke coming out

I don’t smell any smoke

Is that supposed to happen?

No, that isn’t a feature

@SupSvcMI 45s
Well, Never Seen THAT Before

If only you had listened.

Okay, who broke the build?

Can’t you just fix it?

Cutting budgets, make it work

My son knows web design

I didn’t touch that code

Is it supposed to do that?

Not sure, but it’s working.

This Nigerian guy e-mailed me!

So, I opened this attachment…

What’s the worst that could….

It started to act weird

We stop SQL injection, right?

I think it’s backed up

Why are the backups failing?

The Internet must be down

You took a backup, right?

I thought *you* took backups

My backups didn’t work yesterday

“Wait, snapshots are not backups?”

You haven’t tested your backups?

Your backups have been corrupted

Meeting for 4PM on Friday.

We’re outsourcing your department, sorry.

@johnsonch 1m
if it compiles, ship it

We’ll fix it with documentation.

We only have one copy

Let’s get marketing on it

Let me show some slides.

dont you have any feelings?

We’ll get customer input later

Bug? No, it’s a feature.

Uhoh, the users have pitchforks

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