Jasper CArrot, Driven to Distraction

Jasper Carrott – Driven to Distraction: Transcript 1981

Appendix C – 1981 transcript

Jasper Carrott Beat the Carrott LP

Track ‘Learner Driver’

Taken from the album ‘Beat the Carrott’

Recorded live at the London Palladium, 1981

Duration: 5.52

May well be removed one day, but I found it on Youtube, here:

You can buy the DVD on Amazon now.

(Note: The posts were based on line numbering from a print-out, as this can vary from pc to pc I’ll put an extra line break where every fifth line ended on my printed copy and the line number in green, like this 5.)

Cars are (.) cars are funny things y’know (.) (T) (.) and and
I have a mother-in-law right I have a mother-in-law (1) (T)
and (.) er I’m not going to do all the old mother-in-law jokes
(.) you’ve heard ’em all before anyway and er (.) I have a
terrific mother-in-law as well (.) fabulous person (.) and
I’ve just bought her a house (J.1) in Iran (J.1) (J7) you
were all looking so serious there going "(   )" (
3) I’m sorry
I’m sorry (.) (T) erm actually my my mother-in-law has been
driving since before the war (.) right (T) and she has still
to pass her test (1) (T) and er this is a fact she has some
record on the tests taken in Warwickshire or something like
that y’know (.H) and (.) friends and relatives had er er told
me stories about her driving and I’ve (.) taken it all with a
pinch of salt y’know I’ve always thought well "Come on::
y’know" (.H) and then one day er the misses said er "You
coming for a drive with mum?" (1) I said "Er (.) what now (.)"
"Yes" (.) "Yer yer sure (.) yer yer course (J.H) yer" (J.1) (1)
"yer it’s a nice nice day y’know if yer gonna go (.) go on a
nice day" (
3) (T) and my mother-in-law (.) has this incredible
knowledge of the Highway Code (1) right it is superb I
mean there’s nothing you (.) she knows all the trick questions
like what colour it’s printed in how many editions have been
printed where they were made (.H) but she has a great deal of
difficulty relating the Highway Code to the driving (.) right
(.) yer a a I mean fer [sic] instance it sez and I’ve got
nothing against women drivers (.) really I mean they’re just
like any other normal psychopath (J.1) (2) she has this
difficulty with the driving and the Highway Code (.H) and it
sez (.) y’know in the Highway Code (.H) (erm) (1) before
pulling out (.) check your rear-view mirror right (.) so (.)
she checks the rear-view mirror (.) and she pulls out (1) it
doesn’t matter what’s coming (
2) because it said to check
your rear (er) (.) it’s safe to pull out that’s how she figures
it the people coming behind have seen her check the rear-view
mirror knows she’s pulling out that’s how she figures it
y’see (.) there was a lorry coming (1) a ten tonne lorry <1>
<2> the driver got out and he went up to me [sic] mother-in-law
and said (.) "Tut, what a silly thing to do madam" (2)
only in not so many words (.H) and (
1) my mother-in-law drove
off (.) over his foot (2) he was going (T) "oh blast oh
dearie me" (
6)(T) so I’m sitting in the back of the car
minding and the er mother-in-law pulls out the choke and
sticks her handbag on it (J.7) we’re bowling along and I’m
sitting there watching the pedestriand rush by y’know (2)"Hi
there (.) hello: hi (.) mother-in-law" (
2) (.H) and the gear-lever
that is like I mean that is completely foreign to her
that (.) puts oil into the ash-tray or something it’s like
(1) time to change gear WHUNK (2) "very good hur hur" (.)
(J.H) considering no clutch (1) (1) we’re going up a hill (.)
right we were going up a hill it’s a very steep hill right a
four in one hill right and we’re doing thirteen mile an hour
(1) in top (
2) <3… "the car is gonna to fall to bits (.)
we’ll never get to the top of the hill hail mary mother of
go:::d"> people are driving by going "what the hell’s going
on" <3… "hello: ther::e mother-in-law: (lollollol…)"> and
we finally got to the top of this hill with about two inches
to spare and I thought thank grief for that and she slapped it
into second and went <4> fourteen g-force on me face
"(woaarr)" (6) passing everything that had passed us coming
up the hill (
6) we’re going along a straight piece of road it
is a perfectly straight piece of road right there is nothing
ahead there is nothing behind nothing on the side (.H) we are
the only car on the road (1) and she hits the brake (.) WHONK
(3) I am "(WHOOAH)" (.) nose job on the window screen <5>
3) I said "what the hell d’ja do that for" (3) she sez
"it’s him the road hog" (J.2) ((Makes a gesture of looking into
the distance)) (
4) about a mile up the road (1) a bloke had
pulled up outside of his house without indicating (1) a
heinous crime (1) "I’m going to give him a piece of my mind"
(.) I thought "oh blimey not a piece of your mind" (.) off we
go kangarooin’ up the road (   ) (
2) by the time we’d got to
the car the bloke had gone out gone in had a bath got changed
(2) come out he was pruning his roses (.) y’know (1) see’s
this big old Humber kangarooing down the road (
3) my mother-in-law
"over here young man" he trots out good as gold "yer
yer yer" (.H) and it’s a big old Humber with those electric
windows y’know "(BZZZZ)" and the back window went down right
(.) obviously "yer::" (2) "(BZZZZ)" (.) the back window
went up "(BZZZZ)" WHUNP (.) off we go down the road (   )
(( Bounces round the stage for effect)) (4) my mother-in-law "it’s
people like you that stop me passing my test" he’s goin’ "WHAT
1) I said "it’s the mother-in-law
(she’s) havin’ a driving lesson" (4) she’s been driving for
nearly fifty years and she’s never had an accident (1) she’s
seen thousands (


<1> Makes a sound of a lorry screeching to a halt

<2> Makes a horrified "Whooaa" sound

<3> Jolts his head to give a rattled sound to the delivery

<4> Makes a roaring sound of an engine racing – lasts 3 seconds

<5> Blows a raspberry for ‘splat’ effect

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