Jasper Carrott – Driven to Distraction – Transcript 1975

Appendix B – 1975 transcript

Jasper Carrott Rabbitts on and on and on LP

Track: ‘Learner Driver’

Taken from the album ‘Jasper Carrott Rabbits On and On and On…’

Recorded live at The Fletchhamstead, Coventry, 1975

Duration : 4:01 minutes

May well be removed one day, but I found it on Youtube, here:

(Note: The posts were based on line numbering from a print-out, as this can vary from pc to pc I’ll put an extra line break where every fifth line ended on my printed copy and the line number in green, like this 5.)

I took my mother-in-law driving now look I’ve got (1) let’s
y’know (.) I I I ug I’ve got nothing against mother-in-laws
(1) nothing against them like er a y’know I’ve got a marvellous
mother-in-law let’s get that fact marvellous (J..) (J.H)
and she’s a test pilot in a broom factory (J*3) erm (*9) she’s
(1) I must tell you this she’s it it really is it it (1) (*2)
you know why people (.) take the mick out of mother-in-laws
‘cos like ug (.) my mother-in-law drives but she hasn’t passed
her test (.H) (T) erm (.) and she she’s been driving since
before the war (.H) (T) and I think she’s gone through twenty
three tests or something some almost an all time record for
Warwickshire (1) and people told me about her driving and I
never believed it (1) (T) and I thought it’s just being
exaggerated like I mean again I’ve got nothing against woman [sic]
drivers y’know they’re (.) just like any other normal psychopath
(J.3) and I I (1) they (.) they say that you only take
her out once (.) y’know as as like the qualified driver (.)
and it’s true (1) (.H) and I do. (.) she tries very hard she
tries very (1.) she knows (.) the er Highway Code back to front
I mean there’s nothing she doesn’t know about the Highway Code
y’know (.H) but (.) it’s it’s like she has sort of some women
have a mind that cannot relate to why they are supposed to learn
things and like she (.) y’know like (.) with the Highway Code
(.H) we got in an’ (.) like the Highway Code sez like you look
into your rear-view mirror right and then you pull out you see
(.H) an’ it doesn’t matter what’s coming (J..) y’know (*6)
she’s looked into the rear-view mirror it’s safe to pull out
(.) brum y’know (.) ten tonne lorry y’know <1> (.H) (1) and er
(.) I was sitting there an’ we we were I mean she she sort of
she’s a [sic] immaculate way of missing parked cars by about
(J..) (.H) a millimetre y’know (*4) (pum) pull over pull over
NOT TO MUCH (*2) (.H) and I’d been in there about five minutes
(.H) and erm (1) we sort of ug ug (.) y’know going along
(.) Solihull we were going from we were going to Coventry from
Solihull to Coventry (.) erm (1) via Sutton Coldfield (*2)
something that’s (.) and we were (.) chugging along and and I
was watching the pedestrians rushing by (J..) y’know (*4) "Hi
there (.) ha ha mother-in-law (.) ho ho" (*4) and the gear-lever
the gear-leaver like er y’see I mean y’know that’s just
(.) th. that’s like that pumps oil into the servo-brake system
y’know (.) it’s just like ((looks at watch)) oh it’s time to
change gear RUMP <2> (*4) "What d’ja do that for then?" (1) yo.
an’ an’ you try not to criticise which is very difficult (.H)
an’ we. (.) we’re going up a hill we’re going up a hill and
erm (.) it’s it’s a really steep hill and and we’re in top
y’see (.) and we’re doing about eleven mile an hour <3> I
thought the car will never last it’s gonna fall to bits <4>
and people were driving by going "What the devil’s going on?"
(*1) <5… "mother-in-law"> (*3) and we (.) I thought we’ll
never make it we will never make this an’ we we we were we
were just two inches we got to the top of the hill and I
thought (.) thank god for that and she slapped it into second
and went <6> (1) hammering it passing everything that had
passed us coming up the hill y’know (*9) I could not believe
it I believe it (.) and j’a know I mean she’s been driving
she’s been driving this is really she’s been driving for forty
years and she’s never had an accident (J..) (*2) could you
belie. she’s seen hundreds (*13)


<1> Makes a sound like a lorry screeching to a halt

<2> Makes a sound like someone being heavily jolted

<3> Makes a sound like a car being heavily jolted – sort of "lollollol…" Duration 6 seconds

<4> As <3> but for 3 seconds

<5> "Mother-in-law" interspersed with <3>

<6> Makes a sound like a car engine racing. Duration 4 seconds

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